Midlife crisis?

Well, without trying to get into a whole big "Woe is me" spiel. Life just kind of blows lately. I'm not engaged or interested in my job. It is boring, and a waste of my talents. I keep at it, because I have to, not because the prospect of working on the days problems is anymore exciting than watching paint dry. I work for a good company, with good people, that isn't the problem. The problem is that the company isn't a software company, and doesn't value or need the type of expertise that I bring to the table. The job requires that I fix small items on a small schedule, and the emphasis is obviously on the business, not the software.

It doesn't help that in the time I've been there we have gone through a merger and in the merger the original position I was working at has vanished. There is no longer a need for a Java developer to manage the intranet. Now they need Sharepoint developers and .NET developers. That is so not within the realm of things I find interesting, at all. So, I wake up each day, dreading 8:30, and looking forward to 5:00, and filling the time in between with the best work I can.

I remember, once upon a time, that I loved getting up (ok, not really getting up, I hate getting up), and working on the problems at hand. I remember being unable to get the interesting problems out of my head at night. I remember lining up the tasks in my mind's eye to complete the solutions, or thinking over the problems again and again until some "Aha!" moment and I'd discover the missing piece and everything would fall into place.

What happened?

Why has programming lost all its fun?

I wish I knew. Sure, life changes over the past few years have really changed how I think. I've thought about changing careers. That just feels like giving up, like throwing the baby out with the bathwater. I like to program. I'm good at it. I belong somewhere where I can do that. The problem is, where? I'm out looking for a new job, and have been for a few months, nothing. Yes, I'm losing hope that there is a future for me in programming. No, I'm not ok with that.

So, what do I want? I want to code. I want to explore interesting and meaningful problems and issues. I want to stop hiding in the shadows of corporate mediocrity and make a difference. I want to work on leading edge stuff, break new ground, make a name for myself. Prove myself. Prove to myself that I'm as good as I know I am.

So, how do I do that? There are just a few ways that I can see to do that: 1) Get an advanced degree, most likely a Ph.D., 2) Land a dream job at a research institution. The problem with #2 is that it will require #1. The problem with #1 is...well, there are lots of problems, really. Mostly, there is a lack of universities around here with CS programs. Then there is the mortgage, and my car payment, and child support and health insurance that I'm required to keep current for the girls, etc...

When I think of these things I keep thinking "What is holding you back from doing what you want to do? Get rid of it, and get on with what you want to do". It just isn't that easy. I have to sell the house, which will require repairs, which requires money, which means working. Then I have 5 years left on my car payment, still. Even if I sold the house, I'd have to deal with that. Even if I got those taken care of, I'd still have child support. Even if I could manage that, I'd still have to leave my girls to get the education I need to pursue my dreams. Even if I could manage that, I still have to pay for medical insurance for them, and braces.

In the end, I feel trapped. Throw in some depression and I feel trapped and like its pointless to even try. The end result is that I don't do anything to acheive my dreams.

Chess and Scrabble

Wow, two posts in as many days! Its amazing what time off will do...

I used to play two games regularly with my parents. With my mom, I'd play Scrabble, with my dad, I'd play chess. I think these two games gave me so much more than just time with my parents. Firstly, I like to pretend that I have a larger than average vocabulary. Whether this is true or not, well, I'm hardly objective. Playing Scrabble caused me to read far more of the dictionary (in search of words for my tiles) than I would have otherwise. I was exposed to many words I would have never come across otherwise. Couple this with a phase of my life after seeing the movie Malcom X, where he states that it is a weak mind and vocabulary that leads to swearing, caused me to always search for new ways to express myself without resorting to profanity. I don't necessarily agree now that swearing is only caused by a weak mind, sometimes, a swear word is the most concise way to communicate something, but anyway, I digress...

As far as chess, I think this game has contributed to my ability to reason things out in my mind more than any other thing I have ever done. My dad is pretty good at chess, it took me years of concerted study of the game before I could beat him. The study, the learning how to evaluate the pros/cons of positions based on their future possibilities, was enormously difficult. The dividends, however, have been huge. This game of chess forces you to analyze and question every single move, every single position, and weigh the pros/cons of each. You have to imagine what things your opponent might be scheming, thereby forcing to try to understand not only what you want to do, but what others want to do, and all in a very nuanced setting. One pawn move can make or break a position, but it might not be apparent for 5 more moves. Very nuanced, indeed.

This leads one to develop critical thinking skills and the ability to understand something from someone else's perspective. You learn to ignore unimportant things and focus on the objective. You learn to question every move you might make and how it will impact that game. Later, in college, I learned formal logic, which gave a greater definition around these concepts. I learned that if you base an argument on a faulty assumption, your argument is invalid, just like if you base your strategy in chess on a weak position the game is lost.

These two regular sunday activities with my parents taught me a great deal more than just how to play a game. They taught me to expand my vocabulary and to expand my critical thinking abilities.

Nothing...

So, I have vacation until June 1st. I was planning to go visit some friends and my uncle in CO. I was really, really looking forward to it. Driving home from my last day at the office, my car broke down, bad fuel pump. It would have cost more to fix than the car was worth, and there were still major issues with the car (mostly electrical). So, I unexpectedly bought a new car on Friday, it was the right thing to do. But, it means that I must now conjure $1000-ish in sales tax in the next 30 days from thin air... There goes the much needed trip to visit friends in CO. This just wasn't any old friend, but an exmo whom I consider my brother because we have dealt with many of the same issues with our exes and the mormon church. I was looking forward to finally meeting my brother face-to-face, but the fucking car just *had* to break down.

So, here I sit, alone, wishing I was in CO smoking my pipe and sipping some bourbon with my brother. MW2 and booze is an extremely poor substitute for friendship. Who knows...I just might throw caution to the wind and connect with friends. Money is just money, right? Friendship is more important, right? *sigh* It sucks to be responsible...

Welcome

I've written two blogs to date. One was pre divorce and while I was still doing my best to be a good mormon. One was post divorce and post giving up the mormon church. I've done my best to move on, on both accounts. The first blog was so naive, it is painful to go back and read. The second blog is so angry and full of hate that I made it private. Lets just say that I've struggled with some very dark times, and that I'm moving on. Let's face it, we all deal with crap in life. I got dealt a bad hand, and it really threw me for a loop, I'm on the rebound now, and I hope this blog will be both free from the anger and frustration of the divorce and split from the faith of my birth and will be a platform I can use to simply share whatever the hell is on my mind.

I may post to this blog once a day, hour, week, year, whatever I feel like. I've really changed in the last few years, and I want to share my ideas with others. Whether others will ever read my blog, well, that remains to be seen. Either way, the rule is there is no rule about anything. I just hope to keep this free from the struggles I'm working to completely put behind me.

With that paltry introduction, I've got some energy drinks that need to be mixed with some vodka, since I have the day off tomorrow, and I have a lot of Modern Warfare 2 to play. Check back, I just might post something interesting.

- me