Midlife crisis?

Well, without trying to get into a whole big "Woe is me" spiel. Life just kind of blows lately. I'm not engaged or interested in my job. It is boring, and a waste of my talents. I keep at it, because I have to, not because the prospect of working on the days problems is anymore exciting than watching paint dry. I work for a good company, with good people, that isn't the problem. The problem is that the company isn't a software company, and doesn't value or need the type of expertise that I bring to the table. The job requires that I fix small items on a small schedule, and the emphasis is obviously on the business, not the software.

It doesn't help that in the time I've been there we have gone through a merger and in the merger the original position I was working at has vanished. There is no longer a need for a Java developer to manage the intranet. Now they need Sharepoint developers and .NET developers. That is so not within the realm of things I find interesting, at all. So, I wake up each day, dreading 8:30, and looking forward to 5:00, and filling the time in between with the best work I can.

I remember, once upon a time, that I loved getting up (ok, not really getting up, I hate getting up), and working on the problems at hand. I remember being unable to get the interesting problems out of my head at night. I remember lining up the tasks in my mind's eye to complete the solutions, or thinking over the problems again and again until some "Aha!" moment and I'd discover the missing piece and everything would fall into place.

What happened?

Why has programming lost all its fun?

I wish I knew. Sure, life changes over the past few years have really changed how I think. I've thought about changing careers. That just feels like giving up, like throwing the baby out with the bathwater. I like to program. I'm good at it. I belong somewhere where I can do that. The problem is, where? I'm out looking for a new job, and have been for a few months, nothing. Yes, I'm losing hope that there is a future for me in programming. No, I'm not ok with that.

So, what do I want? I want to code. I want to explore interesting and meaningful problems and issues. I want to stop hiding in the shadows of corporate mediocrity and make a difference. I want to work on leading edge stuff, break new ground, make a name for myself. Prove myself. Prove to myself that I'm as good as I know I am.

So, how do I do that? There are just a few ways that I can see to do that: 1) Get an advanced degree, most likely a Ph.D., 2) Land a dream job at a research institution. The problem with #2 is that it will require #1. The problem with #1 is...well, there are lots of problems, really. Mostly, there is a lack of universities around here with CS programs. Then there is the mortgage, and my car payment, and child support and health insurance that I'm required to keep current for the girls, etc...

When I think of these things I keep thinking "What is holding you back from doing what you want to do? Get rid of it, and get on with what you want to do". It just isn't that easy. I have to sell the house, which will require repairs, which requires money, which means working. Then I have 5 years left on my car payment, still. Even if I sold the house, I'd have to deal with that. Even if I got those taken care of, I'd still have child support. Even if I could manage that, I'd still have to leave my girls to get the education I need to pursue my dreams. Even if I could manage that, I still have to pay for medical insurance for them, and braces.

In the end, I feel trapped. Throw in some depression and I feel trapped and like its pointless to even try. The end result is that I don't do anything to acheive my dreams.